Aunt Roxy's Bedtime Story
by Zeroninety
Summary: In 2006: Roxy's had her share of adventures and close calls, but is she prepared for the most frightening challenge she's ever faced: looking after Stormer's nephews? Thrill to Roxy's fairy tale of a quartet of princesses who face down unspeakable evil, including the horrible witch Pink Hair!


Aunt Roxy's Bedtime Story

(All rights, etc, belong to Hasbro).

* * *

"I don't know the first fuckin' thing about kids!"

The first thing I remember is that Aunt Roxy has a very loud voice.

I crept up to the door and peeked out. My big brother David got onto me. "Don't eavesdrop, Lee," he warned me, as he stuck his head out, too.

Aunt Mary ran around the house all frantic, like she'd been electrocuted. "You don't have to know anything," she told Aunt Roxy. "It'll just be for a couple hours, I promise."

I never found out why Aunt Mary was so upset, and in such a hurry. All I heard was that it had something to do with Aunt Emily.

Ok, with all these aunts, you might be confused, since you don't know them like I do. Aunt Mary's our actual aunt: our dad's little sister. Aunt Emily was Aunt Mary's partner. I guess they hadn't been together long at the time, since I can remember back before Emily was around.

"What if they set themselves on fire, huh?" Aunt Roxy asked. "Then what the hell am I supposed to do?!"

Aunt Mary stopped and was quiet for a moment, before she replied, "Put 'em out!"

I can't remember not knowing Aunt Roxy. I can recall dozens of times where we visited Aunt Mary's and Aunt Roxy showed up—sometimes for a few minutes, and sometimes all weekend.

Aunt Mary always looked surprised. Aunt Roxy never called first, and sometimes she didn't even knock.

I got confused about all the aunts once, and my mom had to explain that Aunt Roxy's an old friend of Aunt Mary's, and not the kind of "friend" Aunt Emily was. Mary and Roxy used to be in a famous band together (my mom used to be famous too—I wonder what's in store for me?!) I remember Mom scowling as she told me, which let me know what she thought of Aunt Roxy.

"This is crazy, Stormer!" Aunt Roxy shouted ("Stormer" was Aunt Mary's nickname when she was younger. I always thought that was weird-no one's more sweet and peaceful than my Aunt Mary). "Why don't you take 'em with you?"

Aunt Mary grabbed her purse and her keys. "You know I can't do that. Look, I wouldn't ask you if this wasn't an emergency." She stopped and put her hands on Roxy's shoulders. "Please, do this for me."

I remember seeing tears in Aunt Mary's eyes. I began to walk towards her—I wanted to give her a hug. But David held me back and shushed me.

"You owe me big, you know?" Aunt Roxy grumbled.

A small smile crossed Aunt Mary's face. "Thank you." She gave Roxy a quick hug, and then ran out the front door.

Aunt Roxy picked up the daisy that had fallen from Aunt Mary's hair. "Hey, you forgot-!" But she was gone.

Aunt Roxy looked at the daisy for a moment, before she noticed David and me watching her from the doorway. "Hey!" she shouted, as she tossed the daisy over her shoulder and began walking towards us. We scurried from the door and ran to our beds in the guest room Aunt Mary always kept ready for us.

Roxy flung the door open and glared at us. "You little brats! You were spying on us, weren't you?!"

"Nuh uh," I mumbled, as I tried to hide under the covers.

David's not like me. He never denies anything. "We wanted to know why Aunt Mary's upset, and why she left."

"I'll tell you why," Aunt Roxy declared, as she shook her finger at us. "Nonna yer damn business!"

She's nothing like my Aunt Mary. But when she's in a good mood, she's funny, and silly, and makes fart noises with her armpits, and when I was little, she'd even carry me around the room as I flapped my arms and pretended to be a bird.

When she's in a good mood…

I was too nervous to know what to say, but David asked her. "So, what are we supposed to do, now?"

Roxy rubbed her forehead and sighed. "I don't know…just go to bed."

"But I'm not sleepy!" I told her, and I wasn't.

"Me either," David yawned.

Aunt Roxy folded her arms and sighed. "Well, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?"

I sat up in bed. "Tell us a story!"

She scrunched her nose. "Say what?"

David groaned. "Stories are for babies, Lee."

"Are not," I pouted.

"Are so," David told me. "Right, Aunt Roxy?"

"I ain't your aunt, kid," she told us, which never stopped us, then or now. "And you're right: stories suck."

I tried to give her my best sad face. "But, Aunt Mary always tells us the _best_ stories!"

Roxy raised her eyebrow. "She does, does she?"

"Uh huh," I told her. "The bestest!"

I saw a smile creep across her face. "Yeah, well, anything your aunt knows, you can bet I taught her!"

Even at five, I knew that wasn't quite true. "Cooooool," I replied.

Aunt Roxy sat down in the chair between our beds and leaned back. "I don't think I know any stories," she said. "I mean, I don't know any tonight."

"Please tell us!" I shouted, as I bounced in my bed.

She looked over at David. "What do you think, kid?"

He put his chin in his hands. "Whatever."

"Please, Aunt Roxy!" I pleaded.

"Ok, ok, keep your underoos on. Gimme a minute to think of something." She tapped her fingernail against her brightly painted cheek, and then said, "Ok, ya little misfits. See what'cha think of this!"

I leaned back, closed my eyes, and listened…

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Kickassia, who grew up on the streets of a faraway kingdom, South Philly. She didn't always have much food to eat, and she was often scrawny, but she kicked a lotta ass, so her name fit pretty good.

Anyway, one day, Kick was minding her own business, playing her bass, when this other girl who acted like she owned the place tried to take some cash out of Kick's guitar case.

"Hey, what the fuck's your problem!" Kick yelled.

The other girl laughed and batted her eyelashes everywhere. "I'm a princess, don't you know?"

"And that makes you think you can steal my crap?" Kick asked.

"Hell yeah!" the other girl laughed, and tossed her green hair over her shoulder. "That's what being a princess is all about." And then she laughed and laughed some more.

So Kickassia kicked her ass.

When she'd finished, the other girl looked all scared, so she tossed Kick a wad of hundreds. "Don't hurt me anymore!" she pleaded.

"Well, maybe," Kick replied.

Instead of running away, like anyone with half a brain woulda done, the other girl smiled and laughed. "I like you, kid," she told Kick. "You're pretty badass. I wonder…do you know who your parents were?"

Kick groaned. "My parents were nobody." Kick's parents had sucked so bad, they let her end up on the street. Fuck them.

"Is that so?" the green-haired girl said. "You know, no ordinary person could kick my ass. You must be pretty special."

Kick wasn't sure what to say. "Nobody's ever told me I'm special before."

"Absolutely," the other girl told her. "You know, a wizard told me that if I can find two long-lost princesses, he'd make me the most famous princess in the world!"

"So?"

"So, I think _you_ might be one of the princesses!"

Well, that blew Kick's mind. Part of her had always known that she wasn't like everybody else in that shitty kingdom. Nobody else seemed to want to leave that hellhole, but Kick just knew she happened to be destined for something better.

"How will you find out if I'm really a princess?" she asked.

The green-haired girl laughed. "The wizard'll tell us, of course. That fucker's never wrong! C'mon, let's blow this burg."

She helped Kick to her feet and asked her, "What's your name?"

"Kickassia."

The other girl corrected her. "_Princess_ Kickassia, from now on. And I'm Princess Richbitchia, but you can call me Rich. My father's castle is made of solid gold!"

"Whoa." Kick was impressed.

"Come on," Rich told her. "Let's find the other princess!"

She didn't have to tell Kick twice. Kick packed up her bass and they set off together in search of the other long-lost princess.

("Is this all gonna be about _girls_?" David asked, turning up his nose.

"Who's telling the damn story?" Aunt Roxy replied.

"You are!" I chimed in.

Aunt Roxy gave me a smile. "Fuck yeah!")

Where was I…?

They searched for weeks and weeks, until they found themselves in a crappy bar, and got shitfaced.

("What's that mean?" I asked.

Aunt Roxy laughed. "You'll find out when you're older.")

"Man, we're never gonna find this girl!" Kick moaned.

"She's gotta be around somewhere," Rich told her.

Just then, they heard a scream.

They ran to the back of the bar. The saw a giant ogre, with sharp fangs in his mouth, claws on his hands, and the ugliest face you ever saw!

He was standing over a scared blue-haired girl, who lay on the ground with her face covered up.

"Hey!" Kick yelled. "Want a piece of this, motherfucker?!"

The ogre turned to her and snarled.

("Was she scared?" I asked.

"Hell no! It takes more than an ogre to scare her," Aunt Roxy replied).

Before the ogre knew what hit him, Kickassia unloaded all kinds of kung fu shit on him. HI-YAH! CRASH! POW! BOOM! By the time she was done whoopin' his ass, he was running from the bar like a scared little puppy.

Rich and Kick picked the other girl off the floor. "Did he hurt you bad?" Kick asked.

"Not too much," the shy, scared girl whispered. But Kick saw bruises on the girl's face, so she knew the girl was lying.

"Thank you for saving me." The girl said.

"Was nothin'" Kick told her.

"Why was that ogre after you?" Rich asked.

The girl sighed. "I'm the victim of a curse. My parents died, and a handsome prince offered to make me his bride. But he turned out to be the ogre, in disguise, and he refused to let me go."

"But, why _you?" _Kick asked.

"I have no idea," the girl answered.

But Rich smiled. "I think I know…I think she might be the other princess we've been looking for! Why else would the ogre want her? It can't be for her looks, or her personality, since she has neither."

Rich was lying, though. She was jealous of anyone prettier than her, and this new girl was the hottest of the three, and that's saying something, since Kick's pretty damn hot herself.

"Do you really think I might be a princess?" the blue-haired girl asked.

Rich put her arm around Kick and the new girl. "If I say you are, then you are!"

So, they introduced themselves to the new girl, Softwimpia, and convinced her to come with them to see the strange wizard Rich told them about.

(David groaned, "I think you're just stealing all this from the Wizard of Oz, with some Cinderella mixed in."

Aunt Roxy sighed. "You wanna tell the story?"

"Ok, once upon…"

"Pipe down, kid! Anyway…")

Rich, Kick, and Soft made their way to the wizard's palace, in L.A. Everything in his throne room was plush, and cold.

"Here they are!" Rich proclaimed. "The two long-lost princesses."

The wizard emerged in his Armani suit. He was young and handsome, but Kick could see evil in his face.

"Excellent," the wizard hissed. "Soon, you will be the most famous princesses in the world, and we shall all be fabulously wealthy."

Kick and Soft were thrilled by that idea. Rich was already wealthy, but wanted the fame.

"What must we do, wizard?" Rich asked.

The wizard grinned. "There's a nasty, ugly, smelly witch who walks the earth in human form. I need you to humiliate her and turn the world against her. Only then will you find the fame you seek."

"Are you sure we should be doing that?" Soft asked. She was always nervous when important work needed to be done.

"Let's go, princesses," Rich told the others. "That witch doesn't stand a chance against us!"

So, the princesses set off to find the witch, Pink Hair, and her band of hags, which wasn't too hard, since Pink Hair was a total glory hog and was always hanging around TV studios. They found Pink Hair being interviewed by some two-bit lowlife reporter.

"How are we going to stop them?" Soft asked.

"I'll kick their asses!" Kickassia replied.

Rich held up her hand. "Wait. I have a better solution. One I learned from the wizard." She told the other princesses of her plan, and they thought it sounded cool.

The princesses ran onto the set during Pink Hair's interview. "Listen up!" Rich announced. "We've come to challenge this twerp and her friends to a contest!"

(Aunt Roxy got quiet for a moment.

"What kind of contest?" I asked.

"Hang on, I'm thinkin'." she answered. "Don't rush me!")

Rich grinned. "We can beat this witch at anything she chooses! The loser has to disappear, forever!"

Pink smiled her sickly sweet smile. "Ok." She pointed to a nearby lake. "How about a swimming race, across the Lake of Doom?"

"You're on!" Rich shouted.

Soft started freaking out. "But, Pizzazz-I mean, but Rich, I can't even swim!"

Kick patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry kid, I rock at swimming. I got a certificate from the Y and everything. Just stick next to me, and I'll make sure you don't drown, or nothin'."

So before long, the princesses were at the lake, along with Pink Hair and her hags: Skankburger, Know-it-all, and The Wuss.

Somebody yelled out, "On your mark, get set, go!" and they were off. Rich was able to keep up with them, but Kick was slower, since she had to pull Soft along with her.

("This story's getting boring," David yawned.

Aunt Roxy growled at him. "Shut your damn hole! I'm just gettin' to the best part!")

Soft started whimpering. "I think there's something weird about this lake."

Just then, Kick noticed strange shadows under the water. "Fuck, we're not alone!" she told Soft.

The lake was filled with hundreds of vicious, man-eating sharks! RAR!

("Sharks don't roar!" David interrupted.

Roxy laughed. "Sure they do! Those things roar all the fuckin' time!" She gave me a wink. "Right, kid?"

"Right!" I replied. "What happened next?")

"RAR! RAR!" roared the sharks.

"What are we gonna do?!" Soft screamed.

"Hang on, I got this!" Kick told her. She grabbed the nearest shark and went all medieval on its ass. BAM! POW! CHOKE! She beat the crap out of that shark.

"There's more where that came from!" Soft warned.

"Wait," Kick told her, "This is some kinda magic shark." Kicked leaned into its ear and starting talking to it, and telling it what she had in mind.

The shark nodded, and-

("Wait!" David blurted out, "That doesn't make _any_-"

"Shut up," Aunt Roxy told him. "As I was saying…")

The shark nodded, and Kick pulled Soft and herself onto its back. "C'mon-this shark doesn't like Pink Hair any more than we do!"

With the two princesses on its back, the shark raced through the water-ZOOM!

("What was the shark's name?" I asked.

Aunt Roxy paused for a moment, then said "Mischief! Mischief, the shark.")

Before long, they saw Rich, as she struggled to swim through the sharks. Kick and Soft grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her onto Mischief's back.

"C'mon, shark, let's dust their asses!" Kick yelled.

And away they went, zooming through the water, past Pink Hair and her hags, all the way to the other side of the lake. Mischief dropped them onto the shore, where everyone was cheering for them.

"We win!" Rich screamed. "And Pink Hair is banished forever!"

At the moment, all the sharks turned on that witch Pink Hair, and surrounded her and her ugly hags. Before she could cast a spell to bring them back under her control, the sharks ate her up, and her hags too.

"Good riddance!" cried the crowd. "Long live the three princesses!"

"And long live these motherfuckin' sharks, too!" Kick yelled.

"If anyone hurts a hair on their heads, they'll have to answer to us!" Rich warned.

"Yeah!" Soft added.

("But sharks don't _have_ hair," David argued.

Aunt Roxy sighed. "Didn't you hear me earlier? _Magic_ sharks? Hello?")

And, just like that wizard promised, the princesses became famous all over the world. On TV, on magazines, on billboards—they were everywhere!

But when they returned to the wizard, the asshole laughed in their faces. "Now, you belong to me! All of your fame and fortune is due to my influence. You are my slaves."

The princesses were pissed. "How can that be true?!" Kick screamed.

"If I say it's true, it is," the wizard told them. "And what's more, I've found another princess. With the four of you combined, I can rule the world!"

He brought out a fourth princess, Stupidbritia. "'Ello duckies. Tea and crumpets, and all that rot."

She was really stupid, and British, so no one could understand a damn word she said. Kick knew she was lying about being a princess, and knowing the queen, and all that shit, but Rich and Soft were fooled by her.

Luckily, Brit didn't ruin how famous the princesses were, and everybody and their grandma just wanted to be around them for a few minutes. It was a pretty sweet life—they could get a table anywhere they wanted; people were always giving them free shit. It rocked!

But then, the princesses met the vain, egotistical prince, Pecsforbrains, and his disgusting minions, Liarella and Euroslut. Before the others knew what had happened, Rich had fallen under Prince Pecs' spell, and was crazy in love with him.

"That guy's just using you!" Kick told her.

"He doesn't care about you!" said Soft.

"Bloomin' lorry!" said Brit. But no one listened to her nonsense.

"I don't care what any of you think—I'm going to marry him, and pop out dozens of his babies!" Rich declared.

("What?!" I cried. "Pop babies out of _where_?"

Aunt Roxy laughed. "Kid, you don't even wanna know").

Anyway, Rich was throwing herself at this guy, while Pecs' minions were casting spells on her that turned her into a total wimp. And if that wasn't bad enough, Prince Pecs hooked up with the wizard and they agreed to share control over the princesses! These girls were royally fucked!

"We've got to do something to save Rich, and ourselves," Soft warned the others.

"Like bloody what?" Brit asked.

"Shut up!" Kick warned her. "I've got an idea."

So Kick, Soft, and Brit traveled back to the magic lake, and found their old friend Mischief the shark. "Please help us," Soft pleaded.

"Or I'll turn you into shark stew!" Kick added.

The shark pissed his pants with fear, and he agreed to help.

The princesses hopped on Mischief's back, and he ran as fast as he could to the wizard's palace.

(David groaned. "Aw, come on! Sharks can't run!"

Aunt Roxy threw up her arms. "Honestly, kid…what part of 'magic' do you not understand?!")

When they got there, they found the wizard, and Prince Pecs, along with his ugly minions.

"How dare you disturb my perfect day!" the prince shouted, as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"Suck on this, chump!" Kick shouted. She sicced Mischief on the prince.

"RAR!" the shark roared, as he gobbled the prince up. And just like that, Liarella and whatever her name was disappeared!

("What's with sharks eating people in this story?" David asked.

Aunt Roxy shook her head. "Didn't you ever see _Jaws_?"

"Nope."

"Me either," I added.

She sighed. "You kids are fuckin' deprived." Then, I think I heard her mumble, "You're gonna need a bigger boat," as she laughed to herself.

"Anyway," Aunt Roxy continued…)

"What the fuck happened to me?" Rich asked. "It's like I spent the last several months acting like a total doormat."

"It was that prince's spell—and the wizard in league with him!" Soft told her.

Rich was royally pissed. "I'll make that turkey pay for this!"

"Righto, Yorkshire pudding," Brit babbled.

The wizard laughed. "You don't have the power to take _me_ on!" He waved his hand, and the princesses and their shark were suddenly trapped in a cage.

Soft started to cry and shit, but Kick reminded her, "Remember, we're princesses! That dickhead can't hold us here for long." And that calmed Soft down.

Then Rich grinned. "Relax, girls; I'll get us out of this."

She pulled out her cell phone and called her dad, the king. "Daddy? The wizard has me and my friends held prisoner, and I'm bored with him. Get rid of him, will you?"

The next thing you know, a bunch of the king's lawyers burst in, and they told the wizard his ass was being evicted! So he was out in the street, and the princesses were freed.

(David coughed, and Aunt Roxy grumbled, "What's the matter _now_?"

"That's all? All his magic powers and he's stopped by lawyers?"

Roxy sighed. "Trust me kid, there's no amount of magic in the world that can stop lawyers").

So, the princesses celebrated by rockin' their butts off all over the world. They were treated like royalty everywhere they went…well, they _were_ royalty, so I guess they were treated how they were supposed to be.

Everything was pretty rad until one night a big wingding at some joker's palace. Kick met a prince who seemed like a cool guy at first. But before she knew what happened, he pricked her with a poison needle, and she became really sick.

("Now you're just stealing from "Sleeping Beauty."

Aunt Roxy looked down at her hands. "Kid, you have no idea").

The other princesses found Kick and were freaked out.

"She's gonna die!" screamed Rich.

"Cheeky wankers!" cried Brit.

But Soft wasn't the wimp she used to be. "No, we're gonna save her, no matter what it takes!"

They took her back to Rich's father's palace. For the next year, they nursed her back to health. Rich helped, and even Brit, as dumb as she was, did all she could.

But mostly it was Soft, who stayed by Kick's side all the time, doing everything she could to help cure her. It wasn't easy: Kick was delirious a lot of the time, and sometimes, she just wanted to let the poison finish her off.

But Soft refused to give up on her.

Finally, one day, Kick started feeling normal again. "What happened to me?" she asked.

Soft smiled and told her, "You were sick. Someone poisoned you. We took care of you until you were cured."

Kick was surprised. "Why? Nobody ever took care of me before."

And Soft hugged her and told her…and told her…

(Aunt Roxy began to sniffle).

"You helped me when I needed you. I'll…I'll always be there, when you need me."

And Kick was so…so…grateful.

(Aunt Roxy shook her head as she wiped tears from her eyes).

So grateful.

(Roxy sighed as she stood up and walked to the door. "Ok, lights out!"

"Aww, man," I moaned.

"Wait!" David called out. "What…what happened next? How does the story end?"

Aunt Roxy looked at the floor as she turned off the light. "How else could it end?")

They all lived happily ever after.

* * *

I don't know how much time passed, but a little while later, I lay awake, thinking, as I listened to David snore. Finally, I decided I had to know more. I slipped out of bed, quietly opened the door, and crept on my tiptoes into the hallway.

When I reached the living room, I found Aunt Roxy lying on the couch. I figured she was asleep, until I heard her mumble, "You're s'posed to be in bed."

"I couldn't sleep," I told her.

She chuckled. "Didn't give ya nightmares, did I?"

"No way. I don't get nightmares," I lied.

"Then what's eatin' ya?"

"Huh?" I asked nervously. Suddenly, I imagined being in the belly of a magic shark.

"Why can't you sleep?" she asked.

"I wanted to ask you something."

She sat up on the couch and faced me, as moonlight streamed through the windows onto her face. "I ain't Dear Abby, kiddo."

"Who?"

She shook her head. "Never mind. Fine, what is it?"

I climbed up onto the couch next to her. I thought she might stop me, but she didn't. "Why were Kick's parents so mean to her? Didn't they know how cool she was?"

"I don't…" Aunt Roxy seemed to stumble over her words. "I just dunno. I wish I did. I wanna know. I…"

I heard her voice choke up. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around her waist. "I think you're cool."

As I rested my head against her stomach, I felt her lean down and kiss my forehead.

"Oh, I have another question," I told her. "What happened to the shark?"

I felt Aunt Roxy's belly rumble as she laughed. "You liked the shark, huh?"

"Yeah! RAR!"

"Fuck yeah! Well, ok, let me see if I can remember." Aunt Roxy patted my back as she began to tell the story.

"Did you know there's sharks on the moon? Betcha didn't. Well, one day, Mischief found out there was, and he asked the princesses for a spaceship…"

* * *

(Huge thanks to my beta tester, AllieGee! RAR!).


End file.
